A Solo Travellers Mind

Recently, it was Eating Disorder awareness week, and I wanted to take this moment to reflect on the hold that disordered eating had on me for a very long time.

Approximately 1.25 to 3.4 million people are affected by eating disorders in the UK (Priory, 2023). Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of all psychiatric disorders, with Anorexia Nervosa being the biggest killer of all psychiatric disorders in adolescents (Priory, 2023).

I imagine that my disordered eating started before I actually have any memory of it. But the memory I do have is from approximately aged 14. At 14, I began to exercise obsessively. For me, there was a link between how much I was doing and how I felt about myself. If I missed a day of exercises, I automatically hated the way I looked, even though nothing had changed. I did at points genuinely think I looked fat. Not that I was fat, as the rational part of my brain always knew I was 50kg or less. However, I believed that in some way, I was bloated and, therefore, looked fat or disproportionate. I also began to calorie count. This took control of my life until the age of around 20/21. At times, I was struggling with my mental health the most, I would restrict myself to a small amount of calories per day, along with exercising, which at times came in the form of running A LOT. The times my mental health was more stable, I would eat more. When I was restricting myself I of course, had episodes of binge eating, which I then re-paid my body by excessively exercising. To some, it would look like I was trying to be healthy, but what I was actually doing was starving a growing body of the correct nutrients to function correctly. I still can not explain why restrictive eating and exercise helped me regulate the negative emotions I was having, but for years, this, although damaging “helped”.

It wasn’t killing me, but it was silently destroying my life. At age 15 (ish), my cousin was the first person to notice something was wrong. Which then sparked my auntie to talk to my parents. At 15, I was not particularly well at all, and I denied everything. Soon, my maths teacher Miss Smith noticed something was wrong and after a very long discussion I began counselling at the school, for my disordered eating as well as general low mood and other forms of self harm. Years went on, and different counsellors and doctors were seen but most brushed over my disordered eating. They didn’t see it as a real problem. I was high functioning and was not losing weight. But between the ages of 15 and 20, I did not gain a single KG! (This is not normal when I was apparently going through puberty). One Dr and I wish I was joking when I say this, when I told her about my running, and that if I was stressed I would run in till nearly passing out so that I would burn the 1200 calories, told me to try yoga, as it had less strain on my muscles…
The year building up to me going to university, I was dating a boy and had practically moved in with him and his family. Him and his family were all incredibly supportive, and with this support, I had a break from being restrictive. His parents always ensured we had a good meal to eat (including cooking my favourite meal once a week), and pudding if we fancied and I believe this break really helped me in terms of understanding I could eat a normal amount and still look the same. I did have increased anxiety levels in this year and unfortunately this did affect my eating, I could no longer go to a restaurant to eat as I would have a panic attack, something my boyfriend at the time was incredibly supportive about. This luckily stopped as I progressed through university. However, even to this day, I don’t see going for a meal as a social activity that others might. It’s no longer difficult, but at times, it isn’t pleasant.

In my first year of university, my general mental health improved dramatically. And I took this as the time to try and improve my eating. I still counted calories for maybe another year. However, I ensured I was eating at least 2000, more on the days I was exercising. The gym became a good routine for myself, and soon, I would wake up and eat breakfast, rather than wake up, look in the mirror, and pinch my skin to see if my stomach was fat.

I now have an incredibly good appetite and have a good relationship with exercise. I go to the gym to gain strength and feel confident in myself. Of course, when I am stressed, the gym does become a safety barrier, and the release of hormones simultaneously makes me think things are magically better, but to break this I believe I’d need CBT, however I am acutely aware.
I have at times lapsed and counted my calories with no restriction, a control factor. However, I believe this is just part of recovering and understanding that a healthy relationship with food and a fluctuating appetite based on your daily activity is normal.

Something I struggle with massively now is the comments I receive. When at university, it was never an issue. My friends would never comment on how much I ate. They also knew I was a very active person and, therefore, would need to eat a lot. I think some knew what a hold food had on me for a long time.
However, in adulthood, I have and continue to receive comments daily. At lunch people would say “you eat so much, where does it go? How are you so skinny? I wish I could eat like that?” And most days, I would have to justify my calorie intake and explain I was a very active person. No one should have to justify why they eat food, you eat on your lunch break because you are hungry! I have had boyfriends comment on the speed I eat my food. This is probably because at one point, I was incredibly hungry.

Eating disorders can be silent. They can come in many different shapes and forms, and they can control every aspect of someone for a very long time. Self-awareness, not commenting negatively on the appearance or appetite of others, is really important.
I don’t have a single photo of myself from 14 to 20 where I was at my “worst”, this I think highlights the impact this disorder had on my self-esteem. However, I will end with something my auntie said to me when we discussed my eating habits. “At one stage, your knees were the widest part of your legs.”

Priory, (2023) Eating Disorder Statistics.